Run# 2731
 

Beauty, the Beat, and the Beer. This run was a beautiful bevy of bethels and booze, all set to some bawdy bardic bellowing. Our successful hares were WHO and virgin hare GoGo Girl. Not only were they successful, they managed to surprise many of us with the down downs location being at our beloved Uncle Bob’s. The trail, like many supermodels, was very hot and very flat. Unlike with supermodels, most people appreciate flat and want nothing to do with hot. Remember, kids, context matters!

We did have a continuation of the temple counting exercise from the last run. This time, HIV and Seldom Cums both came up with the correct total, which was 34. Congratulations on getting the right answer with absolutely no outside help. Long live the legend of Kirby Puckett. Feel free to substitute Bo Jackson in there, if you’re a Raiders fan.

We also had a major milestone achievement by one of our most notorious and beloved hashers. Somehow, against all odds, ET has made it to 400 runs! This man has been walkin’ and drinkin’ since before most of us even got here, and there’s no sign of him slowing down. So, hats off to E.T.! On on to 400 more!

Our first timers on this run were Vivian and Pumpkin. Yes, Pumpkin is a hash name from another kennel. It sounds like Pumpkin will be here for a while, so we’ll have to see if our naming committee can outdo San Diego’s. We also had Luke come back for his second run, which means he’s right on the cusp of greatness. Third time is the charm, but don’t bank on your hash name being charming.

Brace Position brought us three good women’s hash-it nominations. First nomination was for Foghorn trying to save people from seeing naked butts on trail. Second was for HIV for pointing out the banana curved marks on trail. This also ended up being a nomination for the hares, obviously for making those marks. Third nomination was for newcomer Pumpkin, who introduced us all to the concept of trail treasure, which he was quite proud of. Pumpkin won handily, perhaps because of his impeccable ball cradling technique.

The men’s hash-it nominations were brought to us by ardent clean water enthusiast, LoL. His first nomination was for the hares for putting a check ten meters from the start. Second nomination was for Boss Baby, who was never more happy to see a rented bike in her life. His third nomination went to E.T. for thinking about ditching the run and going to a dance studio full of attractive women instead. E.T. won in a landslide for resisting temptation and joining us for the run. Whether or not he regrets this choice, is another matter.

LFTA got general penalties started with a long distance down down from none other than Frozen Nuts. Seldom Cums was the recipient of this long distance drink, and he even wore his Frozen Nuts facemask to mark the occasion. Oh, the creepy memories.

GoGo Girl nominated Spanish Fly Bait for going to the wrong start. This wasn’t just going to the wrong MRT exit, though. This was going to the wrong MRT station entirely. You’d think that with the amount of English teachers in this kennel that reading comprehension would be better, but, here we are. Again. At least it’s someone different every time. Still, I weep for the future.

HIV gave Pumpkin a nice guy nomination for doing his best Frank Costanza move to stop her and Boss Baby from walking into the street. It’s always nice to see classic moves like the “Stop Short” come back into rotation. Pumpkin returned the favor by nominating HIV and Boss Baby for being friendly and babysitting him on his first Kaohsiung run. Touchy, feely, good vibes all around!

WHO drank several times for various reasons. Not knowing the hash-its, having his own personalized shirt, and, as previously mentioned, curved trail markings. Most people compare curved marks to bananas, but I think of them as frowny faces. Why? They’re sad because they’re wrong.

Sex Text was recognized for his natural athletic ability when LFTA nominated him for getting a debilitating leg cramp five minutes into the run. LFTA also nominated Brace Position and Limited Mileage for “showing class throughout” and not watching him during his piss break. That’s a pretty low bar for recognition, but we have to work with what we’re given.

Speaking of work, we had another hasher join the illustrious ranks of the “Assless Chaps” patch. Seldom Cums boisterously commended Semen Radler for not only doing away with the sign in book, but also creating an app for people who find using QR codes too difficult. Thanks for going above and beyond! You definitely deserve both bared cheeks.

Thanks as always to everyone who made this run possible. Hope to see you all at the upcoming Dragon Boat races. As for our Dragon Boat team, on on to victory! See you at Bob’s for some free beers.

Run # 2730

The Shirley Temple run. Semper Pyles and Spanish Fly Bait combined their considerable talents to bring us a fine Saturday afternoon city run packaged with a fun side project: Counting! That’s right, hashers! Our two successful hares chose a trail that led us past many religious buildings in the Yancheng district. In keeping with The Price is Right rules, whoever was the closest without going over, was the winner.

The count total for the runner’s trail was 31. First timer Luke was closest with 30. The walker’s trail count was 27, and Happy Hour managed to count 26. So, congrats to our newcomer, Luke, and to seasoned vet Happy Hour for successfully doing math on a Saturday.

We had four first timers this time out. Tilly, Luke, Samuel, and Verina all chose this quest for spiritual enlightenment as their first foray into hashing. I doubt that any enlightenment was actually achieved, but hopefully a good time was had by all. We also had one second timer, Ian, who is now only one run away from that illustrious and personalized hash name.

We didn’t technically have any third timers on this run, but we recognized Winnie the Cougar, who was named at the recent weekend away in Taipei, for officially joining our ranks. I’m sure there’s a good story behind that name, and I’m a little sad I wasn’t there to hear it.

Muscle Hustler had command of the women’s hash-it, and she managed to give us three quality nominations. First was for LoL and HSR for taking the time to help some locals with laundry that had fallen off the line. No nice guys! Her second nomination was for Limited Mileage for being good company on trail. The third nomination was for first timer Tilly. Tilly and Muscle Hustler are attending the same MBA program, which requires an internship. Tilly managed to get an internship before Muscle Hustler, so this was a jealousy nomination. First timer Tilly won the Hash-it on her first run for #winning. I’m looking forward to the naming committee for this one.

Comrade Chavez had the men’s hash-it and also gave us three hilarious nominations. First nomination was for HSR for not having a whistle, but also checking out people’s personal meat in the bathroom. I mean, HSR does stand for Human Sausage Relations, so… living up to his name, I guess? Second nomination was for Foghorn and his big Foghorn mouth. Specifically, for getting loud and bent out of shape when Chavez tried to introduce him to Samuel. His third nomination was for LoL not being woke enough. Anyone that loudly proclaims “we’re straight” multiple times is likely hiding something. LoL won this dubious honor, although HSR gave him a run for his money with the whole meat peeking incident.

As for general penalties, we had a few good ones. LFTA lambasted several hashers for holding side conversations during down-downs, which is a big faux pas, if you weren’t aware. He also nominated the hares for some of their on-over markings. To be fair, LFTA also gave the hares credit for a devilishly well done backtrack, which bought our hares quite a bit of time.

LoL was quite popular on this fine day. He was nominated by Foghorn for wandering into traffic backwards, apparently doing the worst moonwalk ever seen by human eyes. LoL also had to drink for the excessive Kung-fu grip he had on the men’s Hash-it. The men’s hash-it is a penis, in case you didn’t know.

Licken Sie Hole nominated LFTA for being prejudiced against the northern region of Taiwan. LFTA returned the favor by nominating her for her “nambi pambi” fashion police nomination. Equal drinks were doled out, and all is right with the world.

Sex Text gets a special shout out for his continued dedication. LoL nominated him for coming directly to the hash off his flight from Guam. This go get ‘em attitude is why Sext Text was awarded his 25th run patch on this holiest of runs. You show up to the hash more reliably than some people show up to work. Keep up the excellent work, sir!

Thanks to our successful hares for this special themed run, and everyone else involved with making it possible. Now, we all know that if we can’t achieve inner enlightenment, we can at least kill the inner lights with alcohol. On on!

Run # 2729

The Miles Before Mom’s Day” run. Semen Radler and Trojan Whores put the fun in Fongshan with this one. It’s always nice to get a well planned trail outside the city center, away from the streets and alleys most of us see everyday. Toss in some tricky checks to keep us guessing and great evening weather and you’ve got yourself a good time. Unfortunately for our hares, the checks weren’t quite tricky enough for Sex Text, who got credit for a catch. Nice work catching up to some fast and experienced hares! Kudos also go to HIV for bucking the backpack trend and being the first walker in. Well done!

Unfortunately for all of us, the fun police were out in full force, so this was as quick and quiet a down down session as I’ve ever experienced. How quiet? Well, instead of vocally voting for the men’s hash-it winner, we did a jazz hands vote instead. Yes, it was as hilarious and ridiculous as it sounds. Or doesn’t sound, would probably be more accurate. Despite the locals doing their best wet blanket impression, it was a great run and we all had a fantastic time. Hopefully our two first timers, Kyle and Aurora found the whole ordeal entertaining enough to come back two more times for some official hash naming goodness.

Speaking of naming, we had one third timer. Joyce almost got named Monkey Business, due to a monkey stealing her candy. While funny, that’s a bit too tame for a hash name. Luckily for the naming committee, she also likes to pursue muscular guys at night clubs. So now and forever more on the Kaohsiung hash Joyce will be known as “Muscle Hustler”. I think Larry Flynt would be proud to hear this.

S.A.R. had the women’s hash-it and he gave us…. two good nominations. First nomination was for Spanish Flybait for thinking she was too good to get nominated. Second nomination was for Limited Mileage for frequently getting startled on trail. Third was for S.A.R. for forgetting his third nomination. As you probably guessed, S.A.R. won the hash-it. Flybait should have been a lock to win this one with that display of hubris. Next time, S.A.R., just make like John Cusack and say anything.

Foghorn had the men’s hash-it and actually did give us three nominations. First went to Trojan Whores bitching about the beer at the start, even though he was one of the hares. Self loathing is a motherfucker, eh? The second nomination was for Seldom Cums for describing us as dogs instead of hounds. We are not Chihuahuas, sir! The third nomination went to S.A.R. (popular guy tonight) for offering to help Foghorn put stuff in the car, then disappearing. That’s how you live up to the “no nice guys on the hash” rule. This was our first ever (I think) jazz hands vote, which Seldom Cums won handily. Way to be a trendsetter!

As previously mentioned, down downs were especially short after this run. The standout nomination had to be Seldom Cums for S.A.R. and his enthusiastic instructions on how to “crank it”. Take it to OnlyFans please, we don’t need that here. LoL nominated everyone with “ass” in their name, because we love ass on the hash. LoL also nominated Seldom for sharing his last and only beer. That’s a real nice guy move, right there. HIV also had the proud members of our Dragonboat team come up for a well deserved drink. Keep up the good work and make us proud!

Thanks again to our hares for such a great trail. Also thanks to Happy Hour for running down downs and Keymaster for rocking it as brewmeister. On on!

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The Gospel According to Less Fun: The "Croc Rules Bash" Run 2725
 

Hear now the Gospel according to Less Fun, as faithfully recorded for posterity. What follows is a testament to those who ran, those who walked, and those who survived.

17 hashers gathered in Meinong under heavy skies turned open by the jinx of Some Assembly Required’s fuckwit statement of “It’s not even raining here!”. Cue the rain, just as we reached the run start. Three hares: Seldom Cums, Semen Radler, and Why Hold Out prepared themselves to lead us into the great Out There. Before they set off, Seldom Cums had told us a few times, many times aimed at first timer Maggie, the sacrificial lamb that Mazda Mamasan chose for THIS run, and said to us:

"After the half-stash there is NO WAY BACK."

Nobody laughed. The hares left. Trepidation set in.

The start was easy, too easy… Six kilometers of easy trail. Pleasant, even. Misty rain. Umbrella friendly. Verdant green rice paddies. The kind of trail that makes you think: maybe this won't be so bad. The clouds sat low and grey and kept us cool with their delicate moistness. The trail said nothing. Everything was fine. Everything was absolutely fine.

Then: uphill. Long road, straight into the forests and clouds. We passed by 2 locals at a shrine chatting and laughing like they had not a care in the world… and who knows, maybe they didn’t. But we did. Up and up we climbed on a road that got steeper and steeper. I passed by Maggie, looking forlorn; ahead of her, Mamasan, ploughing ahead, not a care in the world for the deteriorating friendship behind her. Then Thong Fondler announced, and the message passed back through the ranks: backtrack! A backtrack that felt deliberate and personal. Moral dilemmas faced, the pure of heart and strong of limb (Trojan Whores) ran back down looking for trail; the rest of us succumbed to the draw of just moving ahead and looking for trail. Found it, and then, what do you know, out of the mists, sitting in a camping chair under a bright blue umbrella, Keymaster, the man, the myth, the holder of half stashes others can only dream of. Soft drinks, beers, water and even... McNuggets and hash browns! How were we to know this was a priest serving us last communion? Maybe we did, because at this point every other runner aside from Whores himself switched to walker’s trail…. In the end, we’re ALL pussies, it seems.

Shortly after, we realized the reason for the warnings. The almost arrogant sense of “join if you dare”… Misfortune favored the brave this day. Ropes. Steep descents into nothing. Steeper ascents out of it. Rain, not dramatic, just relentless. Clouds swallowed the ridgelines so there were no views, only grey clouds, and mud, and the next rope. Somewhere in there, Semen Radler smashed his shin on the trail he had set. Gave an offering of blood and tissue (and bloody tissues) to the gods of Croc. What does it say that the men who served us this trail were the ones who had to pay the piper? Perhaps, even the mountain thought “you go to too far, sir!”.

One view we got, before the steepest longest and slipperiest descent, to a perfectly good parking lot for a finish. But NOOOOO, the trail split again, and just… kept… going.

Further. Just further. Until finally, one by one, hashers came in from the rain at 15-17km. It was over. Except

Like a horror movie there was one final jump scare: as we started enjoying second and third bottles of beer, the call came from Carpark: he went back to the start and turned his 17km into 21. He needed a ride, leaving Mamasan, Brace Position and Maggie out on trail alone, not answering phones…. We started worrying. Seldom, Semper and Trojan dutifully put their wet clothes back on and started running back on trail, only to find them, unhurt, wet, and happy to know the end was near.

So to down downs: Men’s Hashit nominations went to moi for some stupid stuff, Carpark for his added mileage, and to Trojan Whores for being an impatient runner when blocked by walkers in the rice paddies. Winner was Carpark!

Women’s Hahsit nominmations by Brace position went to Mamasan for …, Some Assembly Required for being nice enough to offer mosquito repellant to everyone at the start, and Semper Piles for showing us how to take pictures of spiders. Mamasan deservedly got the hashit, yet my memory seems to not want to release the WHY.

Semen Radler got his 50th Run Patch, stitches, and a scar to commemorate the event.

Happy Hour drank for being the wettest she’s ever been seen; LFTA drank for shrieking like a little girl when TW came barreling out of the jungle suddenly; The Fucking Gentlemen drank in his name’s sake: suspenders, dress shirt and almost-lederhosen!

Then we had the best food we could have imagined as the restaurant filled with locals, and some fantastic demonstrations by Mamasan and Thong Fondler on how to choke, draw, quarter, shred, rend, and otherwise demolish a chicken. Such a feast! A truly fantastic dinner, with all hashers fitting around one big table to feast together and celebrate the completion of an amazing run!

Thanks and appreciation to the hares, the half-stash Master, and the ghost sweeper who was never even seen!

It was advertised as a Croc Bash run. It delivered as such, and ushers in a new era of challenging runs built on this foundation. Next time you hear whispers of “it’s a Croc run”, don’t forget to ask, “Is it by Seldom Cums?” The answer may save your life.

On-On to the weekend away in Taipei! Go forth and enjoy everything the Great North has to offer, and bring back tales we will certainly tire of…

Thus endeth the Gospel According to Less Fun. Until we meet again, may your beer be cold, your sunscreen plentiful, and your whistle always nestled over your chest! On-On!

-Religious Advisor- LFTA

Run #2723 Champagne Breakfast

A run steeped in tradition, the Champagne Breakfast run is one of the most anticipated events of the year, and this year didn’t disappoint. Seldom Cums, Trojan Whores, and LFTA devised a fantastic countryside trail for us to enjoy. They even went the extra mile and provided ropes and foothold markings for some of the more challenging river sections. We were even blessed by the weather gods with a perfect day to be on trail. I think we were also visited by a recently deified entity who lent his legendary toughness to one of our members. Allow me to explain.

80s action star and internet meme celebrity Chuck Norris recently passed on from this world. How could this happen to someone as seemingly invincible as Chuck? There are many working theories currently circulating, two of which are the most likely. Either the Grim Reaper died, and Chuck is the obvious replacement, or, Chuck had simply conquered life, so he moved on to the next mission. Personally, I think it's the latter. What’s his mission in the afterlife? I believe it’s to bless us mere mortals with his indomitable spirit and legendary toughness in our most desperate times of need, and Salty Siren certainly channeled her inner Chuck this run.

See, while relatively rare, injuries can and do happen on trail. Unfortunately, today was one of those days. Salty Siren fell and broke two bones in her leg while on trail. Naturally some of the boys headed back to help her get to a doctor. (Was it TW and Seldom? I can’t remember.) There was apparently no crying and no complaining from her while being carried out. That’s a real display of grit and determination. I believe Chuck pierced the mortal veil to bless and inspire our stalwart hasher when she needed it most. All respect to Salty Siren for her legendary composure. We hope you have a speedy recovery so you can get out there and start preaching the good news from the book of Norris. She may be Chuck’s avatar walking amongst us, so be respectful! I wouldn’t be surprised if she carried the two boys out of the woods, instead of the other way around.

Moving on to another sort of divine inspiration, our naming committee was pretty busy coming up with names for our 3 third timers.

First up we had Sharia, who hails from Myanmar, but moved to Taiwan after marrying her husband. She also has a nail salon business here, which gave us all the ammo we needed. From now on, Sharia will be known on the hash as “Nailed in Taiwan”. Great start for the naming committee with one.

Next up was Kenny, a longtime Kaohsiung resident who just recently started hashing. Many people on the hash know many things about Kenny, but one facet kept recurring, and that was his propensity for profanity. So, Kenny’s hash name forevermore will be C.U.N.T. (constantly uttering nasty things). Before anyone freaks out, Kenny is English, so the use of cunt is totally ok!

Our last third timer was Misi, who hails from Minnesota. Misi has known HIV for a long time, so we had plenty of information to work with. She’s a great singer, she moved here much later than most people do in life, and used to work in a coffee shop with HIV. We were definitely overthinking it with all this info, until one man swooped in and cut through all the noise with a simple question: “Hey, aren’t Minneapolis and St. Paul known as the twin cities?” And so, from now on, Misi will be known on the Kaohsiung hash as “The Twin Titties”. This was one of the better naming committee days in recent memory, so well done to anyone that was involved.

Porcelain Princess took over the women’s hash-it nomination for our M.I.A Salty Siren. First nomination was for HIV for leaving them behind on trail. Second was for TW and Seldom for carrying Siren out and to the doctor. Third was for herself for not having a third nomination. As is often the case, PP wins for only having two good noms. We’ll let this one slide since you didn’t have the hash-it from the start.

Stumblina handled the men’s hash-it nominations, or, two of them, at least. First was for Some Assembly Required (S.A.R.) for being late. Semen Radler got a nod for his excellent post marking. Not a sarcastic nomination by the way, it was actually quite good. Sadly for Stumblina, he didn’t have a third nomination, but, in an unusual turn of events, S.A.R. came away the winner. Being the only late person for the bus does kind of put you on the chopping block.

We did have a moment of solemnity for this hash, and it was for Trojan. He’s really stepped up and been extremely proactive about haring and coming with trails. So, Trojan Whores was the latest recipient of the coveted assless chaps patch for going above and beyond the call of duty. Thanks for everything, bud!

As usual we had a few good general nominations. I started the affair by calling out our head for having the audacity to use the word loquacious during down downs. Me brain no do smart making this early in day. Head hurt, please make stop.

Foghorn pointed out that our French companion, Ivan, not only struggled to open a bottle of champagne, but then spilled it afterward. Maybe that’s why he’s here and not in France anymore. Booted out of the country for champagne ineptitude. Foghorn also nominated the hares for the thinness of the ropes and WASP for bringing gloves. I think this one was deemed kind of weak? Again, can’t remember.

HIV had a few good contributions this fine day. She nominated Stumblina for doing Jagerbombs BEFORE getting on the bus at 7a.m. That’s what is known as leaning into it. She also nominated WASP for usual, helpful nice guy behavior on trail. Lastly, she nominated The Fucking Gentleman for sinking up to his chest in water and being more concerned about the camera than himself. It was great to see TFG back and up to his old tricks again while on trail. Hope to see you for Dragonboat, dude!

The Twin Tiitties got involved on her first official day by nominating Rusty Tin Man for the pep talks and help navigating the river obstacles. Speaking of navigating, LoL nominated Fucker on the Go for joining us and living up to her name. It was great to see her out and about again. This run does tend to bring people out of the woodwork. Dick Jockey also hasn’t hashed in a while, and he apparently forgot that DJs are supposed to supply music, which, as Seldom pointed out, he did not.

Seldom got a couple nominations for his hardbody shirt and beer belly fanny pack that we all got to look at all day. Apparently STD feels that all four nipples should line up on that shirt, but that rule was never clearly stated anywhere. So we’re left with lopsided nipples, ripped abs, and a beer gut, all combined in one mismatched package.

Extra special thanks go to the hares for this run. Not only was it a great trail and a great day, but this run requires more planning effort than most, so thank you guys for making it happen. Kudos to LFTA for having a bagnin’ chorizo recipe. It was the best breakfast burrito I've had in ages. Thanks also to anyone else who helped out behind the scenes to make it all come together. Here’s to seeing you all at the next one. Take care of that leg, Siren. We hope to get you back sooner rather than later. On on!

Run #2721 

History was made on a gorgeous Saturday, March 07, in the Year of the Hash Gods, 2026!

For the first time in the 53 years since the Hash was conceived (probably somewhere between the third beer and a terrible idea), the Hash House Harriers reached two extraordinarily significant milestones:
 

1) The first down downs ever run by a Taiwanese

2) The first down downs ever run by a hasher that identifies as female

A massive cheers, On On!, and shout out to Happy Hour for making this monumental event happen!

Everyone lucky enough to attend got to witness history that day, my friends! This included Write-Off, Boered Stiff, Lawrence of a Labia, and Less Fun than AIDS, all of whom confirmed that this was the first time in the Kaohsiung Hash history that such a thing had happened.

For those still paying attention, that is 32 Heads, 2720 runs, tens of thousands of kilometers of trails, and insane levels of beer drank, all without ever having either of the two above mentioned milestones occur. The lore and legacy of the Kaohsiung Hash House Harriers continues to thrive!

Once again, a massive cheers, On On!, and shout-out to Happy Hour for making it happen! We look forward to many more memories to come with you running down downs! She did an excellent job on her virgin go!

The down downs:
 

The “Buffets? Bitches Love Buffets!” Joint Run between Kaohsiung Hash House Harriers and the Touliu Hash House Harriers had one of the best down down sessions ever witnessed by Southern Taiwanese hashers. It lasted for hours, with countless laughs and an endless supply of beer, some of which was tasted better than others. (DHHH beer continues to set the global standard for disappointment).

Sorry, not sorry, to all the suckers that missed it! Make better decisions with your pathetic lives.

Hash-its:

The Hash-it that identifies as female was carried by Boered Stiff.

His three nominations followed a clear theme: all revolved around his ongoing obsession with being carnally involved with Happy Hour, while consistently failing in spectacular fashion.

For the record, Boered Stiff has failed at many other ventures in life as well, so he’s used to it. Don’t feel too sorry for him.

Happy Hour won. The rest of us lost with the thought of Boered Stiff thinking about Happy Hour in that way. Puke.


The Hash-it that identifies as male was carried by Seldom Cums.

His three nominations were arguably the best ever heard by members of the KHHH, and they also shared a theme: Tales of Redemption.

1) Lawrence of a Labia: LOL was one of the only people to actually register for the run. When the time drew near for the hares to start, LOL was nowhere to be found. LOL already knew of Seldom Cums’ heart of glass, and you could see the grief manifesting on his typically beautiful face as the time drew near to start the run with LOL AWOL. Well, lo and behold, just as the time came for the hares to set off, LOL not only appeared, he also brought Natural Orgasm with him, holding her hand like a knight in shining armor. He totally redeemed himself.

2) Boered Stiff: As mentioned, Seldom Cums is not just a man of stature and gorgeous facial structure, he also has a sensitive side. He lays awake at night wondering why Boered Stiff never cums on the Kaohsiung Hash anymore. He spends many a restless night swirling and squirming in his bed wondering what caused him to stop cumming. He clutches his pillow tightly in the morning, praying that one day he may cum again. Well, lo and behold, like a beacon in the night, Boered Stiff’s fat head appeared at the start of the run. It shined through Foghorn’s car window in the passenger seat, moving across the horizon like a F-16 flies through the Douliu skies. It was a memorable moment for everyone, and he totally redeemed himself.

3) Less Fun Than AIDS: LFTA has problems reading, as do many hashers that claim to be members of Kaohsiung’s most elite social club. It is a problem that has plagued this group ever since many of the engineers started leaving years ago. But it is alright, as Seldom Cums mentioned, for the KHHH is a forgiving community. We accept those hashers of all literacy backgrounds, not only highbrows like Seldom Cums, who raises the standards to the highest levels. Seldom Cums is like the Michael Jordan of hash literacy. LFTA showed up to the start at around 11:30 am, a full 2 and half hours early, because he didn’t know the start time was 14:00, thanks to his inability to read. Even more foolishly, he shared this information with Seldom Cums, the carrier of the hash-it that identifies as male. At around 13:55, LFTA was nowhere to be seen. The last contact anyone had with him, he shared photos of him sucking down 9% Japanese sweet cocktails at a nearby 7. It was assumed he ended up in a ditch crying, his tears filled with the shame of not being able to read. Seldom Cums, who gets hurt easily when people don’t cum, was clearly distraught. But, amazingly, for a third time before the hares started, LFTA also redeemed himself by showing up, just before the hares crossed the t’s!!!!

The winner was Boered Stiff. Hopefully he can claim his prize at the Champagne Breakfast, a run which he helped create, a fact he reminded us of no fewer than twelve times during the Down-Downs.


 

We had some first timers, second timers….

and one Third Timer: Cassie

During the naming committee, Ass Slipper mentioned on Cassie's 1st run, she started as a runner and then gave up and switched to walker's trail. This ended up being incorrect information, for the record. Never trust Ass Slipper. During Saturday’s joint run, she asked our Co-Head, Happy Hour, a few times about how long the trail would be. Cassie was hoping it could finish soon when we were at about 4 or 5k. She kept talking about feeling hungry, needing to go to the bathroom, etc. Her friends that made her cum are also in the airline industry.

For these reasons, she will now and forever be known on the Kaohsiung Hash as…

Limited Mileage

There were so many good nominations on Saturday, but there is no way the Hash Trash could talk about all of them here. A few notable mentions:

Boered Stiff nominated Some Assembly Required for going to a non-alcohol party. Not only is a non-alcohol party an oxymoron, he also talked about it on a Hash Run! Shame!

Write-Off nominated Mismanagement for not having Taiwan Classic at the down downs. It ended up being a weak nomination, as there were Taiwan Classics available. But the KHHH, being thrifty as they are, were drinking DHHH’s Bar Beer. We cracked open a Taiwan Classic for Write-Off to drink to feed his thirsty mouth.

First hearing and then seeing a Taiwan Classic cracked, Seldom Cums nominated himself, a thirsty nomination, for craving what the kids love: Taiwan Classic. He drank with Write-Off, to remind him not to make that mistake ever again.

If you remember any other notable nominations, please leave them in the comments.

Cheers and On On to Happy Hour and the future of the KHHH!

See you at the Champagne Breakfast (8 spots left on the bus)

Run #2720

Cums on KTV whores, or at least we might have if a lot of us didn’t spend most of the run fumbling around in the rain. Trojan Whores and Seldom Cums, our two hares, were technically successful. While they weren’t caught, the trail marking could be considered less than optimal. To be fair, the rain might have had a lot to do with it. It was a really good trail, and the effort that gets put into scouting is always appreciated. The big bonus here was that we got to welcome back Wee Little Boy and his dad! It was great to see these two again and hopefully the trail lived up to their expectations.

Once again we had a very large group of first and second timers. It seems like word has been going around that the hash is a good time. Apparently news of our debauchery hasn’t been as widespread. Or maybe all these new participants are into that sort of thing. Morally flexible was the term used to describe some of the locations on this run, so that was no secret. Let’s hope these new debauched devotees show up for a third time so we can get them a name befitting a morally flexible attitude.

As for third timers, we had two of them this time. First up was Nathan, who happens to be waiting for his mandatory military deployment. What better way to pass the time than by checking out southern Kaohsiung’s dens of iniquity in the rain with us? He’s got a tattoo that reads “Built in Taiwan. Premium quality.” He also has plans for another tattoo about being built in Canada. Considering his unfinished state, Nathan will forever be known as “Some Assembly Required.” Welcome to the fold!

Our second third timer was Chris, who’s more commonly known as Wee Little Dad. It was great that he made another trip all the way over here with Wee Little Boy. It was even better that this was his third hash with us, so we got to name him! Chris spent some time in the British navy, something that would indicate an aptitude with handling boats. This hasn’t always been the case, apparently, since he was somehow involved in a boat sinking somewhere in the Caribbean. Taking this into consideration, we have forever dubbed Chris “Wee Little Torpedo”.

We all hope to see you back over here again, just don’t sail over here!

Our women’s Hash-it nominations came to us from Snore Math. Her first nomination went to Flashdance Birdie who is leaving for the military soon. Second nomination went to the hares for an unclear trail, and the third nomination went to Grace for coming late and leaving early. The hares won this vote in a landslide. Maybe we can start using road flares to mark the trail in inclement weather.

The men’s Hash-it was handled by our returning hero, Wee Little Boy. Seldom Cums got the first nomination for not being drunk enough while haring. That’ll teach you to do things responsibly! Second nomination went to his dad, Wee Little Torpedo, for being too loud in residential areas on trail. Hairy Fucker got the third nod for being a nice guy and loaning out his jacket. Torpedo’s loudness drowned out the competition, so he was our winner. Apologies to the locals who were no doubt mystified as to why strange foreigners were running around their neighborhood shouting “On-on!”.

Two hashers were recognized for their participation and dedication in our moments of solemnity. First up was Porcelain Princess, who got her 25 run patch. Notice I didn’t say that this was her 25th run. It was actually her 31st. Shout out to Iz Brainz for being the only dog on trail and also for probably not eating a homeless guy’s food.

The second moment of solemnity was for yours truly, Dobby’s Cock Sock for finally hitting 100 runs! I’m fairly certain that number should be 103 or 104, but I’m not a numbers guy. I’m just here for the people, the booze, and the occasional flirtation with heatstroke. It’s been a great first 100 runs, so on-on to 200!

The cold, rainy weather kept the general penalty portion of down downs pretty short, but we had a few noteworthy moments. Topping the list was probably Frozen Nuts’ long distance nomination to Wee Little Boy to shotgun a beer. That’s about 25% of his body weight in one go. Very impressive!

Comrade Chavez nominated River Horse for leading a large pack of lost souls to the finish. Salty Siren nominated Chavez and WHO for being nice guys for messaging the hares for directions. Siren also nominated Seldom for his wildly inaccurate weather forecast. It’s fine, I don’t think he could be a TV weatherman with that haircut, anyway.

HIV rounded out the nominations with a shout out to Iz Brainz for being the only dog on trail, which means Porcelain Princess did a doggy down-down. Always a great closer.

Thanks to the hares for laying out a trail through our city’s seedy underbelly and to anyone else who helped with transportation and/or storage. A lot goes on behind the scenes to make all this happen, and for that, we’re deeply appreciative. On on!

Run #2719

The Wisbih River Dreams run, brought to you by Trojan Whores and Semper Pyles. I don’t think there are two other hashers that have more hare runs than these two in a short amount of time. That experience really showed today, as we had a beautiful, clear afternoon to enjoy this lazy walk around Meinong. It has come to my attention, however, that Trojan was the recent recipient of some performance enhancing body augmentations. Everyone is so worried about AI, that I’m afraid we may be overlooking the rise of Skynet and having Terminator spies in our midst. Seriously though, you were already fast enough. Do you need to be indestructible as well?

We had six first timers ( Sunny, Choco, Kenny, Paul, Cassandra, Winnie, James ) and two second timers ( Sharia and Nathan ) for this afternoon’s outing. It’s always nice to see some new blood on the hash, regardless of whether or not that blood is literal or figurative. Remember kids, unlike your local drug dealer, the third time is free, not the first. So, if you’re now hooked, come on back for the third time and get your own hash name and maybe a whistle. Big emphasis on the “maybe” in that previous sentence.

Freshly named Toilet Chain had the men’s hash-it and gave us three good nominations. First was for Flashdance Birdie for nabbing the capybara on trail. Second was for TTT for running after the bus, which led to a lot of the runners following him. Third was for Trojan Whores for getting the runners lost. Now, TW technically won this vote, but really shouldn’t have. There is clear photographic evidence of a whole group of runners standing right in front of the mark under the bridge, but nobody saw it. I personally think TTT should have won it for playing a real life game of Lemmings with the runners. Maybe next time.

Skin Deep had the women’s hash-it and started with a self nomination for regretting her hash name. You aren’t the first, and you certainly won’t be the last to regret that. Second was for TW for being there despite having broken ribs, and third was for Snore Math, more affectionately known as Snort Meth. Much like rural America, snorting meth, I mean, Snore Math wins.

Trojan and TTT were our recognized over-achievers today. TTT made it to 25 runs, which is pretty impressive for how seldomly he comes. Unlike our previous head he has a good excuse, what with living in Taipei and all the international travel. Trojan got his 50 run patch, which is also very impressive for how short a time he’s been hashing. Exemplary work, boys.

General penalties were short and sweet. TTT welcomed Bleeding Barbie, still healing from a scooter accident, back to the hash with a drink for following him. I guess this modern day rendition of the pied piper uses a Philly accent instead of a flute to lead everyone on. Another proud PA moment. Maybe some year all the Pennsylvanians can do the champagne breakfast hash featuring some of our finest cuisine. I’ve tried stinky tofu, so it’s only fair that our Taiwanese friends try some scrapple. Pro tip: Don’t ask what’s in it.

Foghorn nominated Keymaster for his translation skills when he politely explained to the farmers why a bunch of foreigners were trudging through their rice fields. He also nominated TTT and Pedalphile for most likely to be in the Epstein files. Taiwan isn’t really known as a sex tourism destination. Maybe you guys meant to end up in Thailand, which you undershot by about 4 hours of flight time. Hopefully you two didn’t have presidential aspirations. Or maybe that’s the sort of thing that will guarantee you a win, it’s really hard to tell anymore. Congrats to Foghorn for being awake the whole time and not having to hare the run, which he was nominated for by Semper and LoL, respectively.

ET stuck around for down downs today, and got nominated by Kenny for stealing his bag. ET also nominated himself for remembering his whistle. Kenny would later be nominated by Trojan for creeping on the hash group for years before doing his first run. If someone can creep their way into the presidency, you can creep your way into the hash. Creep up the good work.

Finally, we had our first doggy down down in a long time. HIV nominated Ms. Sticks A Lot for most improved hasher this past year. This dog didn’t know how to walk up or down stairs a year ago, and she had to jump over and across several obstacles today, so it was a real milestone for her. 

Thank you hares for a wonderfully flat, yet still picturesque trail. Also thanks to our drivers for helping with transportation. Also a big welcome back to our newly appointed haberdasher, Bleeding Barbie! It’s good to see you on the mend and selling merch. You’ll be back to flipping people off in no time! None of this happens without you guys, and we all appreciate it. On on!

 

 

Run 2718

 

Hear now the Gospel according to Less Fun, as faithfully recorded for posterity. What follows is a testament to those who ran, those who walked, and those who wished they’d had one more or one less beer.

About 30 hashers congregated on a beautiful afternoon in Meinong. For a few of us, we were able to enjoy the hospitality of the Sweaty Van one final time on the ride in… Unless the next chapter in its life turns out to NOT be its final chapter.

We welcomed 5 first timers, (Mia, Zane, Joseph, Nathan, and Malissa). Our hares, Seldom Cums and Virgin Hare The Big Newflowski set off on time at 13:30 after being suitably blessed. The trail meandered through the street and flowerbeds of Meinong, with frequent tests of balance as we tried to stay on the straight and narrow, or risk disaster in the wet rice paddies. Spring was in the air in the dead of winter, with flowers blooming everywhere…. Soulless Santa, you missed out! As we went along, the big question on everyone’s minds was whether we would end up at Keymaster’s house or not. LA decided to cover his bets by first catching the Virgin Hare, then going by Keymaster to leave a taunting message. For all his efforts though, he was never far behind, or far ahead, of the 2 steady leading walkers, Semen Radler and yours truly.

Down Downs took place in the warm glow of a bonfire only slightly shorter than Keymaster, with our intrepid Head starting off the ceremony. After welcoming our first timers and second timer Connor, WHO then introduced our two new members with their baptized names:

· Jenna, on a Gap year from Canada, is certainly having a nice gap year, hence her new name: Nice Gap!

· John, on an internship from the USA, was baptized Toilet Chain, in reference to his name and his two lovely gold chains.

After that, WHO handed over the proceedings to LFTA, vomited surreptitiously, and left.

Women’s Hashit nominations went to Gumsucker for her last hash, Sugar Plum for something, and Mazda Mamasan won for pouring beer all over herself…. Great stuff!

Men's Hashit went to Seldom Cums for his lizard-style fashion choice of all green attire, beating out Toilet Chain for being a nice guy on trail.

One great moment of solemnity was held for Seldom Cums who got his 125th run patch. What fantastic commitment and perseverance from this all-rounder for the hash: Trailmaster, Head, Webmaster, and hidden turn master.

The kennel also gave a collective quick recovery cheer for Bleeding Barbie; may she recover and grace our trails with her slow but steady pace again soon (I know: "Fuck you AIDS!")

Our soon to be departing legend, Frozen Nuts, then handed out an assortment of hash memorabilia, and so even though he may be gone, his moustache/pedo-stache/must-hash tache will help keep his memory alive, if only the memory of his chin. Some of these went for multiple down downs, others for nothing... the price seemed to be more volatile than Bitcoin recently...

To Frozen Nuts and Gumsucker, this is not farewell… we will see you in the next Lunar Holiday for sure! We share our best wishes on your change of home, until we meet, hash, and drink again!

Thus endeth the Gospel According to Less Fun. Until we meet next Saturday, February 7th, hared by our Bionic Trailmaster Trojan Whores and retired GI Joe Trailmaster Semper Pyles, may your beer be cold, your sunscreen plentiful, and your whistle always nestled over your chest! On-On!

-Religious Advisor- LFTA